Screaming

I need to find a screaming place, where i can scream my head off and not attract the attention of some unwanted authorities.

I also may have found where the flutterbys have been locked away.

I want to start writing again, revamp my stories, get my sick twisted brain out of my skull

Friends

So i have this real problem...
I dont think i've ever found a real honest to go true friend... and i honestly wonder if i ever will...
Dont get me wrong, I have some good friends... but not ones who would come to my house in the middle of the night if i needed them... or anything like that... Maybe in college i'll find someone.

The World In Which I Live

So i was just looking at this girls blog, Shes 16 like me... and she's circumnavigating the globe, by herself, in a little sailboat. I wish i had that much motivation.

To me, she's inspirational. If i had the balls to do something like that... i dont know what i would do.

Its funny you know, to live in such a small state like i do, and try and imagine the world outside. I've only left New England twice in my life, both times to New York. once to the city when i was only a few months old, and once to Flurry last year. this will be the third time in my entire life that i've left New England.

I want to be able so say i saw more of the world in my lifetime. I think its time to think about doing something about it. How can someone judge the world in which they live... when they've seen only such a small small part of it? i want to see more, So i can make a better judgement.

February 10th

Today is a Cleaning Day.
Sometimes my dad just decides he's sick of the house being a mess and wants all of us to clean it.
unfortunately he almost always picks the most inconvenient of days to do so.
For instance THIS time... I started weight training two days ago and currently have two pulled shoulders and some very strained ab muscles. thats not to say i did alot, i'm just incredibly out of shape and no good at weight training. anyway, i'm in a rather large amount of pain and have taken 3 ibuprofens with no result whatsoever. I also feel a cold coming on, It hurts to cough. not cool.

On the other hand my dad brought a rat home for my little brother. Its very cute, he's decided to call it his sunshine. He also brought all my siblings and I various objects of jewelry that were made by some retarded lady. they all have stones that mean different things. Mines supposed to prevent negativity. i think i need it.

My report card came today. I'm not officially failing anything, but i somehow managed to get a D in english... which makes no sense whatsoever to me, i get 105 on all my tests except the their eyes were watching god one... which sucks anyway... and then i give him all my worksheets. it makes no sense whatsoever. I should have a B. this is beyond stupid. Everything else i deserved. Midterms didnt help much. I plan to get everything up this quarter, i NEED to. If i dont i have no chance at college. I'm such a terrible student... what i need is motivation, something that makes me want to push to do well... sadly i dont have much of that. I suppose it is up to me to find that though.

Dance Flurry is in less than 2 DAYS i'm SO EXCITED. I miss contra dancing. I used to do it SO often... but it dropped in my priority list. Hopefully this will be enough to bring me back, perhaps not. but maybe.

Z and The ex are talking again... for all i know they'll be back together as soon as he returns from timbucktoo. I wish my life were that much of a fairy tale, its not. HE wont talk to me... no matter how hard i try to start a conversation. i can't blame him though of course... I did kind of go crazy after the breakup. or rather... after the halloween incident. but you know, who wouldnt? he distanced himself after that... while i believed it might make us get back together, but hey, like they say, typical guy right? I suppose the act itself was partially out of desperation... sad really, thats why i havent told the older sister yet. I dont want her to judge me. I didnt tell any of the guys either, although Mr Douche ended up letting them know anyway... I suppose i'm not allowed to have my own little secrets. Its just a good thing noone ever told his sister... cuz that would be mayhem... or maybe it wouldnt, maybe she would keep it to herself. Who knows.

ANYWAY.
i have shittons of laundry to do... have to pack, only for 3 days but still... with the amount of dancing its good to have lots of extra clothes. i'll have a whole suitcase most likely. The older sister is going shopping for food to bring along tomorrow. which is good cuz it will be less spent while there. I really hope Pop can spare some of what he owes me so i can buy a skirt or some such thing...
well... must go clean now, before Pop blows his cap.

February 9th

two days to dance flurry. quite amazing
very excited. saratoga here i come. seriously. I cant wait.

February 8th

So its been a few days,

Its the VERY early A.M.

• Superbowl sunday was good, spent 2 hours in a hot tub with Z. She's my best friend. along with my older sister and her best friend. it was warm. You know honestly hot tubs in the winter are AMAZING. all the outside is cold but you are SO WARM anyway. Its amazing.
• Starting weight training in school tomorrow, Maybe i'll lose some pownage by the end of the quarter, not look so rolly for the summer, at least lose a couple pounds.
• I REALLY want to see whip-it.
• I saw Dear John on friday with Kay. I cried SO MUCH. it was crazy. like.. every five minutes. It wasnt even fair.
• I AM SO TIRED. i'm going to sleep soon. GAHH

February 4th. 3

Post Dance Class Rant:

GAHHHHAGAGAHAGAGHAGAJGdowuygduiwha;sfoicahs[9ydh;oquiweanf
!
Thats gibberish for my legs hurt like FUCKING HELL.
ANYWAY...
Dance class was good. People are learning stuff... 3 weeks to performance season. I'm gonna die cuz i dont remember most of my dances... More on that in later posts I suppose.

So the daily drama:

* for the sake of not getting myself shot... everyones names will be changed*

Point 1: There's this kid named Chazz right? well he's a sophomore, and he used to be one of my closest friends... but then he started being a douche, and at first none of our mutual friends took my side, but now hes being a douche to them too, so all of us are kind of shunning him... Its so weird though. I KNOW he's a douche. I KNOW that. but for some reason i want to make up and be friends again, on the other hand i know my life will be so much LESS dramatic and stressful without him in it. which is a really a nice thought.

Point 2: My friend got suspended for having drug parafanalia(sp?) in her backpack cuz some JACKASS freshman decided to tell the administration she sold him pot. What a prick right? i hope everything turns out okay for her =/ She really isnt a bad person =/

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So i'm thinking about quiting stagemanager and just going back to being a normal techie. i feel i might be happier that way. but you know.. i'm not sure. i guess i'll go to the meeting tomorrow, and decide from there whats gonna be happening. I really dont know yet.
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I can't wait for Dance Flurry. Its this big dance festival in saratoga springs new york. Its AMAZING. its three days of DANCING. and music and amazingness and its fun and care free and crazy and its the most amazing possible thing you could do if youre trying to get away and escape your life. Its the weekend of valentines day, which is good because then i wont be all stupid and angsty about not having a boyfriend. LOL. yeah idk

I really want to watch Star wars 4, 5 and 6. i havent seen them in SO LONG. and i want to

Okay thats all

<3 Bee